Spinning was great last night. I love, love, love that 90-minute class. It is hard, but it is so worth it, in terms of calories burned and endurance gained. Still, I could use a pair of shoes. I think that using the cages is doing a little tweaking to my knee – nothing major, of course, but I can definitely feel it when I get out of bed the next morning. It is usually gone by the following day, but the soreness worries me, especially since I have never had any knee problems with running.

One thing about my class – ugh. Someone kept farting, and it was the rankest, nastiest, silent-but-deadly kind. Seriously, I had to breathe through my mouth for 2 of every 5 minutes because I couldn’t get past the idea of flying poo particles. Dis-gus-ting. I mean, once or twice, okay, maybe it slipped out, but c’mon people.

So.

I feel sore and stiff today. My back is all kinds of tight. Not my lower back, mind you, which has not given me a problem since I stopped wearing heels, started running more, took up spinning, and lifting weights. No, this is my upper-back and shoulders. I just need a good massage, I think. Or a hot bath or something. Maybe later, after the first Lowell Artists Open Studios meeting of 2005, which is at 6:30 tonight.

On an only semi-related note, I have been working on some new drawings. They are very different from the abstract “scapes” I’ve been making for the last year. I am not sure how they relate, if at all, to the previous work, but I like them, and I like creating art with identifiable imagery (in this case, eggs and bees) right now. The constants are that both types of work use layered paint and simillar color palettes, and that they both have roots in the natural world. I am not sure about how this drastic change in my work will be perceived by my artist friends and mentors, and truthfully, I am no longer scared of this change.

For a long time, I felt that I needed to make a more gradual transition into other ways of working, to build on what I had already done, and develop it further. But as the months wore on, I began to feel that I was making my art into something that was not really a part of me – something that I didn’t much care about – and that is so not worth doing. I had been feeling a lot of doubts about making a drastic switch in subject matter, because I felt that in doing so I was essentially admitting that my older ideas had not been worth pursuing in the first place, but I’ve moved past that, I think, and I have found a lot more joy in art-making this way.

My aesthetic is still the same. It’s just the subject matter that is different. I’m not sure, to be honest, how other artists come to make the work they do, but for me, it is really difficult to develop some kind of language (read: meaning) around the work before I’ve immersed myself in it. The conceptual ideas about what it is I’m trying to do always come later. I have to accidentally discover something and build on that, rather than saying “I think I’ll make [whatever].”

For example, I didn’t think about why I wanted to make art involving eggs and bees. The image just came into my head, so I started making the work. I don’t know what it means yet. I don’t care. But, it is by examining the finished pieces and drawing parallels between old work and new work, and my work and the work of others, along with other, outside, influences, that the ideas develop. Obviously, eggs and bees have been used as metaphors for life, just to name one example, long before I had even imagined trying to paint them, but I am not sure if that symbolism is where I am going. Maybe this work is about fulfillment and purpose, I don’t know, but I’m sure that I’ll figure it out.

Anyway, that’s what is going on with my life right now. Heh. At least it gives me something to think about while I’m sweating my ass off.

Today I am 33. It’s not all that bad.

Dianna sang a birthday song to me over IM, complete with “nanana-nanas”, and Rob made me laugh at least twice. Supposedly there are presents, but we are at work right now.

To celebrate? I’m going to my 90 minute Spinning class.
Nerd Alert. :)

The snowy mess we had last night forced the Y director to cancel Spinning. Bummer. I showed up, along with 4 or 5 other people, to learn that I would be running on the mill instead. So that’s what I did. 4 miles. Then on to the elliptical for 10 or so minutes, just to avoid having to go out into the near white-out conditions.

I’m not sure how much snow we actually got, but walking to the car was certainly a challenge. I nearly got blown into the street twice!

But back at home, stretching on the floor, I felt good. My legs weren’t too sore (and are less sore today), and my spine felt nice and long. I heated up some vegetarian chili and cut up some raw veggies for dinner, read some, and fell asleep early, and slept hard. Hard, like my radio came on and it was 20 minutes before I even heard it. Um, yeah.

Oh, a quick food thing. Did you ever eat so much of something that you can’t physically eat it again, maybe not permenantly, but at least for a while? That day came for me yesterday with mixed greens. I’ve been eating so much salad with that mescalun mix that I could not choke down more than 2 forkfulls without gagging. Seriously, it was that bad. Time to buy some romaine or something. Romaine and fennel. With lemon juice, a little olive oil, and one or two shavings of aged parmesan? Now we’re talking.

Let’s see, what else? Dinner plans tonight with my museum friend – lots to talk about there. And it’s weird, but I have been approached by several people who want to offer me work, either freelance or possible full time. It’s great affirmation for me, in terms of my design skills, so I feel pretty happy about that. Now I just have to get all my options out on the table and look them over… and then decide what to do. In the meantime, I’m busy. :)

So my arms proved not to be the problem yesterday, the day after my weight workout. It was my quads, or, as I said yesterday, when trying to rise or sit, "my g-d-mn, stupid… ow, ow, OW… quads." Heh.

I skipped Monday’s spin class and did some stretching and yoga, and what do you know, today is a little better. I’m still sore, but I can move around without cussing, which is a huge improvement.

Food-wise, yesterday was… meh. Nothing too terrible, but I did end up eating too many calories, I’m pretty sure. Not by a ton, but by enough to make me feel full. I am so, so hungry lately, I have to say. Even on days I work out hard, I find it difficult to get a substantial calorie deficit.

That said, I am still trying to eat intuitively and not scold myself for eating when I am truly hungry. I am fairly certain that it’s just my body saying "what the f—" to the increase in activity I’ve thrown at it in the last couple of weeks. It will all even out.

This weekend’s eating was surprisingly good. We didn’t eat out once. Friday we made pasta with red sauce, baked eggplant cutlets, and salad. On Sunday, I made striped bass baked in parchment paper, topped with roasted cherry tomatoes, along with shittake mushroom risotto, and steamed asparagus. The other meals were usual stuff – salad w/chicken, piece of fruit, wheat bagel, etc. Nothing crazy.

90-minute spin class tonight. They have gone ahead and made it a regular class now, so none of this every 2 weeks crap. I am super excited, as usual. Endurance, baby!

Oh, and I am still slightly freaked out by my tri training schedule. As David said, "clearly you are insane." But I am pushing forward and getting ready for April 11th, when the program officially kicks off (I signed on for a 16 week program, beginning when I get back from Europe).

Want to see? Click here.
Clearly, I am insane. :)

Seriously, I can’t.

First speedwork session of the year today (I know, how sad), and it wasn’t bad. I hate speedwork, truth be told. It feels like too much work, but I know it will make me a better runner, so I am committing to do it once a week. Also, it’s part of the triathlon training program that I’m going to be using.

So, since my speedwork session was only 30:00 today, I decided to do some work on the leg press and with some dumbells. HO-LY, that was hard. Let’s just say that I used heavier weights than I do at home, and man alive, it was awesome (in addition to being hard).

Came home, had my favorite recovery drink (low fat chocolate milk), and ate some sushi for lunch. Blah blah. Now I have to go over to my friend George’s and feed his cat. Luckily the new Runner’s World came yesterday, and the Duke/NC game is on, so I’ll have something to do while I’m at George’s house. I like to hang out with the cat a little so he doesn’t get lonely. :)

Oh, speaking of NCAA hoops – Ohio State beat the freakin’ Illini today! Holy Hell! And Kentucky lost to Florida? I’m dumbfounded. Very exciting games, too, from what I saw.

It has been a good week, in terms of exercise:
Sat – 50:00 run
Sun – 30:00 run/30:00 swim
Mon – 60:00 spinning class
Tues – 90:00 spinning class
Weds – rest (supposed to be swimming, but pool was unexpectedly closed)
Thurs – 30:00 upper body weights & abs
Friday – 40:00 swim

Now, if I could add one more weight session and one more run, that would be perfect. OH! AND! Some good news – my scale is WRONG. It’s off by about 3 lbs or so, which means that it’s fine for day to day ups and downs, but I’m not basing my official weight on it. HA!

This morning’s swim was alright. I was a little sluggish, given that I haven’t worked out in the early morning for a while. Put in 1800 yards total, slow, but steady. Still, it’s always better than running at that hour. Goal for next Friday: Swim for a full hour This will require a little food in me, or some gatorade/water combo, maybe both. Hrm.

Anyway, now I am free to go out for dinner tonight without guilt (as long as I don’t overdo it). This is the main reason I decided that I should try to swim on Friday mornings from now on, instead of taking it as a usual rest day. Friday nights just do me in, because it’s the main night (and mostly the only night), that we go out to dinner with friends. Even if I only burn 300 calories or something with my little morning swim, that’s better than doing nothing that day and going over my limit, like way over, if past performance is indicative of future results. Your mileage may vary.

Saturdays are less problematic. We usually cook at home, and even though we do it up with something like Chicken Marsala, or Pumpkin Ravioli with sage, butter, and white wine sauce & sugar snap peas, or a hearty soup/stew, we do watch our portions, always have a big salad, and go easy on the butter, oil and cheese. I also have class on Saturdays, so lunch is usually something pretty healthy beforehand, like salad w/chicken, and then I have an apple and yogurt during our mid-afternoon break. Nice.

Obviously this is more detail than anyone really wants to know. :)

But here is something you might be interested in. I’m looking into a customized tri training program online. Like virtual coaching. One of the things I’ve been frustrated with has been finding the right program for my level of fitness.

I’m not a total beginner, in that I can already swim, bike, and run enough to finish each segment and then some. However, the intermediate programs I’ve seen seem a little too advanced for me, and not particularly well suited to my goal, which is to finish as strong as I can. I’ve tried modifying some of the schedules myself, but since I have no experience with this, it feels like more than I can handle. I’m willing to shell out the cost of a book to get a personalized training schedule, since I already have a couple of general triathlon books already.

Well, it’s about time for my 12:00 conference call, so I need to wrap this up. I am hoping to get a run in after class tomorrow, and will definitely run on Sunday (maybe swim, too, if I feel like it). Hope you all have a nice weekend, and you sick people feel better. :)

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am trying hard not to get dragged down by feelings of negativity, by wanting, and by comparing myself to others.

When it comes down to it, and I know I have written this before, I have options. I can just take painting classes, or enroll in a museum studies or arts administration program. I can work part time, or go freelance. I can move if I want to. I am not entitled to anything, so I should stop acting like I am. Stiff upper lip and all that!

All of this stuff, this waiting and flux, is hard to figure out, but it’s not the end of the world. I have a good job, a loving partner, great friends, and I believe that my paintings are relatively good. They may not be great, but they are far better than average. I painted some yesterday and felt my confidence grow. I have some new ideas, too.

But it all comes down to time management. How do I choose to spend my time? It is my time, after all, and I have choices (options, see?) about what I do with it.

I spent some time thinking about what I would and would not be willing to do, in order to get some of “my time” back, or redirect it, or whatever. What it came down to was this:

- I am not willing to sacrifice the time I devote to running/fitness, in order to make art. Sorry, but these things have to peacefully coexist in the schedule.
- I am not willing to sleep less.
- I am willing to earn less money.
- I am willing to relocate.
- I am willing to simplify my life by buying less, eating out less, etc.
- I am willing to stop watching TV and spend less time online at night.
- I am willing to wait a year for grad school, or apply to other programs.

So I am trying to figure all of this out – what it means in terms of the day to day stuff. I know I can get a handle on it. It just takes a little time and effort.

My trip to Europe is coming up, and my class will be over in mid-April, and I won’t enroll in anything else until June. My training, such as it is, is going pretty well, and I’ve worked out for the last 4 days in a row. Pretty soon it will be lighter when I’m done working, and I can run after work instead of sitting in traffic. I’m going to start helping the Revolving Museum with some grant writing, and that I can do instead of watching TV. :)

Everything else? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see, I guess.

Excellent 90 minute spin class last night. My 50/50 gatorade & water combo really helped, so there was no sugar crash this time. Jeff said afterwards, “Wow. You did great. I could tell you were working extra hard.” He knows how to sweet talk the ladies, is all I’m saying.

Also, I feel slimmer in my bike shorts. I’m not sure why, exactly, but I honestly think I’m losing a little weight. It’s hard to tell, because my scale is lame. LAME, I say! It’s digital and sometimes it’s way off, just based on how one stands on it. Off like 4 or 5 lbs off. I’m better off weighing myself at the gym on their doctor’s office type scale. Even if it’s not calibrated (can those be calibrated?) correctly, at least it’s consistent from week to week.

My eating was great. Under burn rate, but not by too much, and 99% good stuff. I did have 1 Hershey’s kiss while I watched the news, but that’s it. Here’s what I ate…

Breakfast: 1c Total Raisin Bran w/ 1c organic 1% milk
Snack: 1 medium banana
Lunch: vegetarian sloppy joe on light wheat roll, ~1c yellow pepper strips, 1c strawberries
Snack: granny smith apple with 2T PB
[spinning class - 10oz gatorade/14oz water]
Dinner: 1c cooked pasta with sprayed on olive oil; 2/3c cottage cheese (2% milkfat), 1/2c pineapple; 1c mixed greens with 2t olive oil & lemon juice dressing (homemade); 1 Hershey’s Kiss
Water: 64oz

It has been snowing all day today, and unfortunately, I can’t steal away an hour for snowshoeing – not this time. However, the 90 minute spin class is still on tonight, and I’m excited.

Last night’s class seemed easy in comparison, which is a sign that I’m getting better at it, but it left something to be desired. Maybe I’ll stick with the 90 minute class and only go to the 60 minute one once in a while. It feels weird to me to do a spinning class on Monday, then another one on Tuesday. I mean, I could be running on one of those days. Or swimming. Or whatever.

Had an interesting conversation with my museum director friend today. I am going to help them with some grant writing in the near future – something I have little experience with, and the experience is definately something I want. The more I work with artists in an administration role, the more I want to make it my career, and I’m not sure how well that works out with my plans to get my MFA.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m not cut out for it. I look at all of this critical theory and think, "so what?" That’s not a good sign. I also look into my studio and sigh a lot, not wanting to go in there and work. I just feel dissatisfied all the time with myself and the work. Or maybe I’m just lazy. Or just unmotivated right now.

So maybe the MFA is not to be, or maybe it is and I’m just in a low place, or maybe I’ll get my masters in Arts Administration instead. Who the hell knows?  I just feel my job is not fulfilling or interesting, and my paintings aren’t going anywhere. It is an emotionally tough place to be in with regard to my professional life, such as it is.

I know that this will work itself out in the coming weeks, but this limbo state is really hard.