So. Tired. So. Very. Tired.

It’s Monday morning and last week’s weirdness has abated. My weekend with Rob left me feeling pretty spectacular, although the weekend itself was nothing special.

On Friday we went to Naked Fish for George’s birthday, where I had an amazing meal. Truthfully, I didn’t really need to eat as much as I did, but hey, grilled fish, wine, plantains, asparagus? Not a disaster, and even though the plantains were a little oily, I only ate half of them.

Saturday I did my weights in the morning, then went to drawing class, where I managed to score a great parking spot, and where the instructor didn’t show up. *sigh* Not sure what happened, but I was assured that something unusual was going on. Apparently they are going to credit us for the class, so I wasn’t totally pissed off. Met another artist who I clicked with and talked to for 2 hours. Looked at all the things that were hanging in the student galleries. Then I went to Rob’s, helped him do some stuff, watched some basketball, took a nap. Later, we made a nice dinner and watched a DVD.

Sunday morning was lazy and fun, filled with coffee, bagels with lox, and talking about… stuff. Then 2+ hours of snowshoeing in the Fells. Man alive, that was fun and hard. We hiked the reservoir trail, which is about 6 miles, plus the fire roads that lead up to it. At about the halfway point, Rob was developing a nasty blister or two, and we had to slow down quite a bit on the way back. I started getting a blister on the bottom of my big toe, but it was nothing too painful. Lesson learned: next time, Rob needs better boots for this kind of thing.

After we got back, showered, changed, and rehydrated, I went to Whole Foods and stocked up on organic goodness, having planned out my meals for the week in advance. Then I made this awesome chicken and vegetable korma. The secret? A store-bought, roasted chicken. Totally saves time, and well worth the money. Plus, this recipe makes a ton of korma, enough for at least 6 good sized portions, and tastes great over brown rice. And it’s healthy. I used very little oil, non-fat yogurt, and lots of veggies. The cashews kind of up the calorie and fat content, but were used sparingly.

Today I have Spinning at 6:30, then I’ll swim after that, starting my week off right. I feel energized behind all the tiredness, but it is still very present. I think it’s time to start going to bed much earlier or something.

So, how was your weekend?

Yesterday I was in the middle of writing this long winded post on my work computer, when I accidentally hit the restart button and lost everything, which I really, really did not need right then, so I gave up and decided to keep everything to myself for one more day.

See, I’ve been feeling horribly depressed and self-destructive for the last few days, spiraling down into some serious black space that feels all too familiar, and comfortable in all the wrong ways.

It all started with horrible commute, hating my job, feeling out of control and overwhelmed… and yes, binge eating. As you may know, I have quite the history with disordered eating, so not only was I sad and full of self-loathing, I was scaring myself, too. If you’ve never had one, let me just tell you right now that EDs are frightening and nothing to mess with. Sure, one innocent little purge after one huge meal, just to not feel so stuffed, right? Oh no. That’s how it all starts.

Anyway, long story short. I didn’t allow myself to purge, even after an hour of sobbing on the bathroom floor next to the scale and toilet. I cried while lying in bed, feeling like a loser and a sabboteur, and then felt crappy and hungover (from sugar) the next day. On Wednesday I did some weights and yoga, ate properly the whole day, and felt marginally better.

Yesterday was a little better than Wednesday. My eating was normal again. I cancelled my dinner plans & bagged out on pub night after my 2 hour commute home (I shit you not), and went to the gym instead for a 30/30 TM/elliptical workout. There was no “should I or shouldn’t I” head chatter. I just went.

And you know what? I felt awesome afterwards. And I feel awesome today, too. Suddenly things didn’t seem so bad or out of control. Of course, I am trying not to kick myself now, for letting this stuff get the better of me for a couple of days, but I can’t deny how good I feel on this sunny Friday morning.

My point is, we all carry the weight, so to speak, and sometimes it’s just too much to bear. Tuesday was my breaking point, and I’m sure that if I had gone to the gym as planned, I wouldn’t be typing this right now. It would be a different post altogether. There are a million excuses for not doing, but they are worthless at this point. I ate. It’s done. Move on and get over it. Don’t wallow.

And you know, I was really afraid to write about it, too, because I’ve been doing so well and kicking ass all over the place in true, multi-sport fashion. I didn’t want to admit failure, or even a small setback. I didn’t want to let anyone down with my weakness and insecurity. I just couldn’t. But that’s all crap and pressure-talk. It is plainly a pack of lies. We’re all human, and I can’t post every day about how great everything is (“it’s fine. Everything is fine. No, really.” How many times have I said that in my life without meaning it?) and hold out on the messy stuff. My life is full of messy stuff, honestly, but whose life isn’t? Duh.

I guess that if there is one thing being a runner has taught me is that it’s fairly simple to turn things around. Sure, you can’t take back what you ate, magically turning back the clock and putting down the donut, but you can go out for a run, or call a friend, or knit a scarf. You don’t have to be alone with your aloneness… and your food. And not every run is great, either. Not every run does the job, and sometimes you’re pissed off anyway, just usually not as much, which is better than nothing.

My butt was officially kicked yesterday. Man, alive!

I am finally getting the hang of the resistancce on the Spin bike. When I first started, oh, a little over a month ago now, I wasn’t sure if I was estimating the resistance properly on the 1 – 10 scale. Like, when Jeff yells “start off at a 6″, was I really at 6, or was I more at 5? I was mostly concerned about being able to complete the class, and do all the lifts and things, so I probably made it a little easier on myself in the beginning. Until yesterday, of course.

I decided to err on the side of underestimating, and realized that I was probably adding the exact right amount of resistance this week. I am no longer a slacker. I managed the class just fine, although my legs were more tired at the end than they were last week.

So what did I do then, being extra tired and ass-whupped? Well, I got in the pool for 20:00 with some of my fellow spinners. Dur!

I didn’t really count my yardage or anything, but I’m estimating it at about 1000 yards. Although I did throw in a pull set and some alternate breathing drills that really messed up my rhythm. I swear, my body doesn’t remember how to breathe on the left side. This is something I have to practice. A lot.

Came home, made dinner (baked sweet potato, veggie “chicken” patty on wheat with lettuce, tomato & mustard, 1c strawberries and half a red pepper), drank a ton of water, talked to Rob, then went to bed WAY early.

Tonight I think I’m meeting Marcy (from my spinning class) for an interval workout. She apparently has one that a running friend of hers made up. It promises to be butt-kicking in every way imaginable. Whee!

So, I’m going to Paris. And Berlin. Oh, and Amsterdam, and Brussels, too. Surprised? Me too.

Christine called last night and filled me in on her trip to Iran, via Europe. The more she talked, the more I wanted to go – was longing to go, even – so when she asked me to meet her in Berlin I responded with a roaring HELL YEAH. This afternoon I booked my ticket and everything. Now I just need to brush up on my French and learn some key German phrases, buy a rail pass, and look for some hotels in Amsterdam, as I think we have the Paris, Brussels, and Berlin lodging already pretty well planned out.

This was so unexpected and I haven’t fully processed it yet, but basically this trip is about seeing a lot of contemporary art and being with my best girlfriend for almost 2 weeks, seeing friends who live overseas, eating, drinking, and taking it all in. I can’t wait!

This news is enough to carry me through tonight’s spin class and swim workout. :)

So I put up a little page with my, ahem, numbers. I spared you the swimsuit photos, which will serve as my own private reminder of how hard I have to work. Maybe once I actually get somewhere I’ll post them, too. Who can say?

Two things about the photos. First, Rob took them at a weird angle, making my legs weirdly foreshortened. In reality I have very long legs, or at least average sized legs. Second, I had just gotten out of  the bath, hence the pigtails. Not a great look for me, I know.

So that’s it! This is me, in all my less-than-perfectness. I felt it was important that I show it to you because, hey, let’s be honest here, we are all less-than-perfect and if showing you my stats/photos makes you feel better about where you’re at, hell, that’s great. Have a cupcake on me. But it’s more than that. It’s about documenting my own story, kicking my own ass, and rewarding myself (eventually, and not with food) for a job well done.

You know what just struck me? I look way better from the back than I do from the front or side. Damn, that is sad. Really, really sad. Anyway, feel free to stare, point and laugh, or draw mustaches on the photos. I don’t really care.  Like I said, I am okay with it. Not okay enough to sit idly by and turn into Jello Lady, but you get my point.

Heh. Jello Lady.

That’s better. I’m much more calm today, thanks. Still irritated at George, who is really like the little brother I never wanted, and who has this same effect on everyone (seriously), but such is life.

My 45:00 run/15:00 elliptical workout last night kind of set me straight. I was going to do some weights, but damn, it was crowded in there, and I was running late for Thirsty Thursdays, our pub night. Actually, I saw Max and Keith (pub night peeps) at the gym, too! They were playing raquetball, which looks like a lot of fun.

Got home at 8:45, showered, changed, and headed up to meet the TT’s crew at Evos. Drank a pint of Boddington’s, laughed a lot, then came home and went to bed. Sweet, sweet slumber. It had been a long-ass day.

This morning, all hopped up on espresso with a few minutes of extra time on my hands, I decided to do something I haven’t done… well, ever. I grabbed my sewing tape measure and took down my measurements. In general, I wasn’t horrified.

I’ll post them as soon as I get a page together for all my stats because I am not at all modest or shy about my body. Honestly, I’m not. Unless it requires me to be in a swimsuit in front of my coworkers, then I have some serious issues, and hey, wouldn’t we all?

So the whole time I’m measuring, I’m thinking about how I wished I had found the balls to do this in 2001 when I first started doing WW. I am down approximately 20lbs since then, and haven’t followed WW in 3.5 years, but with running my body shape has changed completely and I’ve been able to maintain my weight. It’s astonishing, really, that I could redistribute my mass like that.

Anyway, I still have some work to do. The hip/thigh/tricep measurement does not have me exactly dancing in the aisles or buying sleeveless t-shirts or hotpants anytime soon, and really, that’s fine because it is 8F today, and because I would never wear hotpants. I mean, duh.

Well, I haven’t quite figured out what to do with this space in the long term, but thanks to everyone who replied. For now, I’ll just keep on keepin’ on and see what happens. I’m flexible like that.

Today’s entry is about weight and fitness anyway. Or, it’s about how I’m pissed off. You decide.

On my way into work today with George, we had been talking about illness related to excessive weight – things like asthma, diabetes, etc. – and I said something like “I’m glad I’m a healthy weight, even though I’d like to lose a few pounds.” This prompted a mini-lecture, as well as some completely stupid comments, and honestly, I just wanted to stop the car and tell him to get the fuck out, even if it was in the middle of the highway. Traffic was stopped anyway, so it was pretty tempting, I’ll admit.

Here’s how it went down. I would say, “I’m going to the gym tonight after work to run and do some weight training. So fun.”

Then George would say, “I’m going to sit around on the couch all night. You still aren’t losing any weight with all that excercise. Maybe your body wants to be the way it is.”

I would reply with, “Well, I haven’t been doing that great with the eating. I think I’ve been treating myself a little too much, lately.”

George would piss me off even further with, “Yeah, but you’re already starving yourself and running all the time, and you’re still not where you want to be. Just accept it. You could lift weights, but I don’t think it will do you much good.”

David said that I should have told him I wanted to get strong so I could kick his ass. I wish I had thought of that, honestly, but the little ball of rage that was growing inside me made it hard to think clearly.

Now, I admit that I’ve been slacking a little in the food department, and probably on the exercise front, too. Not in terms of days or anything, but in the intensity and duration of my workouts. I know that if I can bump things up to an hour per session – be it swimming, running, snowshoeing, whatEVER – the weight WILL come off, as it does when you’re running 25+ mpw. And that’s where this weight training comes in because I know I should do it, and that it will help, both in the ability to run more efficiently/without injury, and that the extra muscle mass will burn some calories.

But where the hell does someone who does NO exercise, who has bad sleep patterns and a bad back, who is not overweight but definitely out of shape, get off telling me that I’m, a) starving myself, b) hopeless in terms of weight training, and c) destined to fail anyway, so why bother trying, and that I should, d) live by his example. All of this, mind you, was delivered in that entitled, pissy, condescending tone that I absolutely hate to my innermost core – the core that’s filled with rage, remember?

So I say this: WTF is that all about?

I am seriously pissed off right now. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get, too. Friends just don’t say stuff like that, and certainly not in that haughty, “I know everything because I used to work out” way. Yeah, buddy. The operative words are “used to.”

So get used to this, my friend. Come 2 months from now, you had better be ready for a serious ass kicking, because I am taking no more guff from you, mister.

Time for some before and after pics/measurements, too. I am fired up, and ready to throw down.

Holy SHIT. Anne is f-ing hysterical. I laughed so hard that 2 drops of pee came out which, while incredibly horrifying for you to imagine, is my true manner of rating hilarity. Go visit her. Now. Wear Depends.

So… I realize that I’ve been posting alot lately about things that are not running related, and I’ve been wrestling with this whole idea about opening this blog up to be basically whatever it wants to be, or starting a new blog about my non-running life, such as it is.

Any thoughts on that?

On the one hand, it would be nice to have a little more room in the margins for other things, like books or movies, photo albums and what have you. It would also be nice to post stuff about my life without feeling like it has to tie into running/fitness/body image topics. I feel as if I have these two lives in a way – the fit life, and the art life, so to speak, and they are not really that connected. It also solves the problem of my need to post multiple times per day, and not feeling guilty about going on, and on, and on about things.

But on the other hand, maintaining two blogs is a pain in the balls. Hrm.

I managed to leave work early enough and, with the help of holiday traffic, made it to the Y in plenty of time for Spinning. This made me very happy, even though my stomach was in a bit of a sad state and I was worried about making it through the class, thanks to the glass of milk I had earlier in the day. What is it with me and milk? I can drink the organic stuff just fine, but man, regular milk just makes me sick sometimes.

Anyway, Spinning was great and, as usual, I spent some time talking with the other people in the class. Turns out that one of them is going to teach a Tri Training class starting in February, and it will supposedly be a 2 hour session on Wednesdays!!!! I am all over that. Even the Spinning instructor is signing up. He’s amazing, BTW. He is in the Army Reserves and apparently took 3rd in the military division at the Disney Half Marathon this year. Oh, and he is a sweet guy, too. At the Christmas ride (on the 20th), he gave us each a pair of cycling gloves. How nice!

After we talked about tri training, a couple of us decided that we would also swim on Monday nights after Spinning. The pool is pretty dead then, and as challenging as the class is, I still always feel like I have it in me to do some laps, at least 20 minutes or so. I feel like I have real workout partners this way, and it’s extra motivating. Plus, if I’m ever going to drop some weight, I need to get in those extra workouts while I can. I mean, it makes total sense, too, because I’m already there. Duh.

That said, that Hal Higdon Half (HHH) schedule will have to be adjusted a little to accomodate a XT Monday and Tri class on Wednesdays. I’m not sure what the training program will be, but obviously it will include some running.

Later that evening, I had a fantastic dinner of spinach salad with roasted red peppers, grilled mushrooms, cucumber and a touch of gorgonzola, along with some fresh spinach & ricotta ravioli and a basic red sauce. Pure heaven. Slept well, too.

On the touchy-feely side of things, I feel great. Tonight I am doing an interview with The Lowell Sun about my art and will probably do some light weights and stretching before bed. I am feeling excited and in control of how work, and art, and life are balancing themselves these days. I’m also not obsessing about my appearance lately; my body image is pretty good.

And here is what I am learning: Starting off with a Monday workout of some sort really helps set the tone for the week. That’s something to remember and stick to.