So it’s come down to this.

All this sport – the running, the swimming, the biking and weights, the yoga – all of it, is doing some number on my hair. I’ve come to the conclusion that my long hair, as sexy as it is, needs to be chopped. Short. Damn short.

This will happen on Saturday morning, 8am.

The thing is, I’m excited. It’s freeing to have short hair, and I also like that physical change. So, once every 7 years or so, I cut it all off, keep it short for a while, then let it grow long again when I’m feeling overly boyish. It’s just part of the natural cycle of things.

The good news is, my hair is in good shape and at least 15″ long, so I am going to donate it to Locks of Love, and I’m happy to do it. The great news is, that I’m making this change because running made me do it, and I love that.

Damn, I love that!

Well, the weekend runs were hard, and hot, and damn sweaty, and oh. my. god. am I glad they’re over. This week will be much better. I just know it.

I’m doing great with my food, still bringing my lunch on most days and eating lots of fruits and veggies. I feel awesome and I know that I look pretty good, too, if I do say so myself.

So anyway. Running.

I’m running a race in New Haven on Labor Day with Dianna, and I am so looking forward to that. Rob calls Dianna my “imaginary friend”, so we’ve been having a yuk or two over that for the last week or so.

And this week I’ll probably run Tuesday, Thursday (long), Saturday. It’s only 3 days, but honestly, it’s all my body can handle right now. I am just remembering last year when I was getting ready for Tufts and running 4 days a week. How my ITB got so bad that I developed hip flexor tendonitis and bursitis, and ended up sitting it out for Tufts. Devastating! So this year will be different. I am taking it easy, and cross-training. So there, stupid hip. In your face! ;)

So life has been/is stressful, which makes me want to sleep instead of run, which makes me feel crappy and more stressed, and so on. It’s a vicious cycle, one I’ve been trying to break out of this week, but it hasn’t been even the slightest bit easy.

Monday’s run suuuuuucked. I was really sweating, and up in my head the whole time. I kept trying to employ all of my mental tricks to keep myself going, but it was futile. I made all these mistakes, like starting off too fast and not warming up, and not being properly hydrated. After not running for 2 weeks, I was just out of sync with my body and I needed to stop at 3 miles.

Tuesday night I stayed in and read, and caught up on some laundry. I was just tired, and unmotivated to go to the gym, and they’re cleaning the pool right now anyway, so I would have had to bike/do weights, which is not really that fun.

Last night I ran 3.5, which also kind of sucked, but not nearly as bad as Monday’s run, so… eh. I don’t know. This week I just haven’t wanted to run at all, and I’ve had to force myself to get back out there, which I know is contributing to the craptastic nature of my runs.

I’m going to run with Rob on Friday, and then Sunday I’m going to hit the trail because I like running there, and maybe my outlook will be a little different. If I do all 4 days this week, I’ll feel like I accomplished something.

Tufts is coming up and I’m getting nervous about it, and that isn’t helping. On the other hand, I wonder what is wrong with me. Like, why can’t I just calm down and just do the miles? It’s all in my head, after all. I know I am capable of running 4 miles on a regular basis, with a longer run once per week. But when I’m out there it’s just… I am having a hard time, and I’m not sure how to stop being such a slacker and just get going.

Well, today is a little better than yesterday, and yesterday was a little better than the day before, and so on. I am still grieving for Lenny, but many happy memories have displaced some of the sadness, and that is a good thing. Today I am going to run, and for that I am thankful.

Last week had been so… fucked, really, that I just didn’t have the energy to get out – not even for 2 or 3 miles. I couldn’t even be alone with my thoughts, really, because I would start crying as soon as I saw myself at the vet’s, standing at the table with him… Well, you know.

Anyway, I have a schedule and today I’ll run 4 miles or so. No big deal. Gotta get ready for the New Haven Road Race that I’ll be running with Dianna! Well, I’ll be running the 5K and she’ll be running the 20K, but still, we are going together and eating pizza at Pepe’s afterwards. That’s the main thing.

The pool is closed for the next couple of weeks for cleaning, so I am going to try my hand at some yoga classes, maybe a spinning class, and some weight training. I have GOT to get back into a routine. The good news is that even though I have not been running or swimming over the last week or so, I haven’t been eating total crap, and I haven’t eaten very much (well, not until Sunday brunch, that is), so I’m still basically the same weight as I was 2 weeks ago.

So okay, subject change. Did everyone watch Deena Kastor’s performance in the Womens Marathon, Sunday? I felt so badly for Paula Radcliffe, but oh my god, watching Deena pick off runners (or hearing about it since they didn’t show her much until she moved into 4th place), was un-friggin-believable! The elite women are amazing to watch, and I was glad that they showed the full race on NBC, instead of cutting back and forth between it and say, beach volleyball or something. Anyway, it was inspiring and I hope that there’s a running mini-boom that happens in the US after watching her compete. That would be swell!

On Wednesday morning, I had to put Lenny to sleep. While I know that it was the right, most humane decision, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I am filled with indesribable grief.

I loved that cat as if he were my own child, and I would give anything to have him back – fat, happy and healthy.

Lenny
~1990 – August 18, 2004

—-

On Monday I took him in for the asperate and biopsy and they recommended that I put him on a feeding tube to force feed him. It couldn’t be done via the stomach, because he had so much fluid in there, and they needed to put it in his throat instead, but they didn’t have the parts to do that. I was supposed to get
the results of the asperate on Tuesday and come back Wednesday for the feeding tube. Tuesday night, they called and said that while the test results did not show definite lymphoma, that was the likely cause (it just wasn’t in the liver), and that if I went ahead with the feeding tube…

…they said that everything would have to go perfectly right with his treatment in order for them to reverse the liver damage, and he still might die, and he would have to be hospitalized for a few days.

My worst fear was that I would take him to the hospital and he would die without me there, scared and alone, surrounded by strangers, thinking I had abandonded him. I could not live with myself if that had happened.

So, I decided that I would take him on Wednesday and let him go. He wasn’t in pain, but he was weak, couldn’t use the litterbox without help, and hadn’t eaten much in a week, essentially starving himself to death. When I woke up at 4:30 that morning, he was under my dresser, and couldn’t drag himself out (he tried when I crouched down there), I knew it was the right decision. He seemed to be in a lot more discomfort, or maybe even pain – I don’t really know.

George came to my house at 7:30, and we went to the vet at 8. The whole proceedure was very peaceful and gentle. They put him on a soft blanket, gave him a sedative and he became very sleepy, and I talked to him and petted him and told him that I loved him, and that he was a good boy. He purred and reached out and put his paw on my arm, flexing his claws like he always did when he was content. Then I said goodbye and my vet gave him the shot… and it was over in about 10 seconds. I buried my face in his fur and just sobbed and sobbed. The smell of him was there, but everything else was gone. George was crying, too. It was all so very hard.

I’m so shaken right now. I know I did the most humane thing I could have done, but I was just so unprepared for this. On Tuesday I stayed home with him all day and sat next to him on the floor, doing my work right there, petting him, talking to him… and now he is gone. It hurts so much to think about him and write this.

Wednesday night was the worst. I was falling asleep, having cried all evening, and part of me kept waiting for him to jump up on the bed with a loud MRRRRT, walk around to my side and flop down in front of me, sniffing my face all over, flexing his claws and kneading into me, like he always did. I opened my eyes and he wasn’t there…

So now I am scanning photos and looking for memories. There are so many after almost 12 years with him, but the one I really want to keep is when we were in New Haven, and he was young, big and fat, running around in the grass. I see him and he’s with me again, which is all I really want in the world right now.

Lenny is at a different hospital, this time in Salem. On Friday, my regular vet called and said that he had non-regenerative anemia, a low platelet count, and the billirubin in his liver was way up. In other words, not good. Possible causes? Internal bleeding, or cancer, or something related to renal failure.

The plan was to take him to the emergency vet hospital in Woburn, but then she called back and said that this ultrasound clinic in Salem could take him Saturday morning at 8:30, so that’s where he went for emergency care.

The ultrasound showed no tumors, but definite signs of kidney disease (scarring, mostly), and liver disease (enlarged liver, pancreas, spleen – i.e., Hepatic Lipidosis). After my regular vet faxed over the bloodwork, they had more info and wanted me to bring him back first thing this morning so that they could do a biopsy and put him on a feeding tube, to essentially flush his liver out of the fat that it had built up from the anorexia. They are not sure what is causing the liver disease, if he has lympho sarcoma, or something else. In the meantime, I’m doing everything I can for him, regardless of cost, and hoping for the best.

The remainder of the weekend he had antibiotics, more sub-cutaneous fluids, vitamin K shots, and tuna, which is the only thing he would eat.

So.

I wish that I had been able to run this weekend, but I just didn’t want to leave him, not even for a half hour. That said, I might try to run today once I get him home, and if not, then running will just have to wait. Sometimes life is like that, and you just have to deal.

Thanks to the RBF for your comments and good thoughts for my kitty. If you met him, you would truly understand how awesome he is. :)

Yesterday was interesting, in as much as having a geriatric feline can be interesting and not just sad.

My oldest cat, who I’ve had for 11 years and is 14 now, is in renal failure and has mostly stopped eating. This is something I knew would happen, but still, I wasn’t exactly prepared for it. I took him to the vet after work, and they took some blood and urine samples, told me I was doing all the right things (diet, sub-cutaneous fluids), and assured me that they’d know more on Friday when the results were back.

It could be any number of things, all related to kidney failure, which he has had for some time now. If it’s a thyroid issue, it can be treated with meds. If it’s a heart issue, we’ll see. If his kidneys are in total failure (they were working at 25% up until now), they may be able to do some sort of dialysis, and if it’s not completely cost prohibitive, I will have that done.

So anyway. The sick cat put a damper on my post-work swim last night, so I went this morning instead. It was just a quick 30 minute dealie, but whatever. At least I went. I have plans with a friend tonight, and I didn’t want to blow off two days in a row.

For the record, I hate morning workouts. Hate ‘em. Always have, and probably always will. My internal clock is not wired to be awake before 6:45. It just isn’t! I’ve tried going to bed eariler, waking up 15 minutes earlier, easing into it. But even after a month or two of that, I’m still feeling crappy all day long, and it just isn’t worth it to me. So instead, I work out at night or in the late afternoon, and that’s mostly working for me.

That said, I have a 3.5 – 4 miler planned with Rob tomorrow after work, and I’m going to swim Saturday and run again on Sunday. Should be fun.

I’ll post more about Lenny as soon as I know anything.

Well, I understand runner’s high now, or at least runner’s this isn’t reallly all that hard, just keep going some more feeling, which is what it really felt like. I didn’t have that floaty feeling dealie, but it did seem, at the end of every mile, that it wasn’t any harder than it had been 10 minutes prior, so I just kept going…

… for 6.5 miles, a new time and distance PR for me. Can I get a Boo-YAH! That’s what I thought! In your face, stupid… stuff that bothers me!

Heheheh.

Okay, but seriously now. I had a great, albeit slow run – nice and easy. I had some gatorade (maybe 4oz or so) after mile 4. Had another 4oz after mile 5. At mile 6, I thought “I should just finish out the .2 like this was the 10K, if the 10K happened to be on a treadmill at a 1% incline.” At 6.2 I thought, “this isn’t that bad. It’s almost 6.25… why not try for 6.5?” At 6.45 I felt like I was going to hurl, but I was almost done so I just kept going. Rock. On.

The food analysis:
Today I ate a current scone with my coffee at 7:30. I had a yogurt and a handful of edamame at 11:00. At 1:00, I made a chocolate soy-protein shake with almond milk and frozen raspberries. At 2:30 I had 5 graham crackers (the round ones, that are about the size of a Ritz cracker). Then I went to the gym and ran about 20:00 later. I honestly think those little crackers made a huge difference in my run. Come to think of it, when I ran in the morning, I used to eat them, too.

I didn’t eat a lot today, but I didn’t feel that hungry either. Now, it’s almost 6:00, and I’ve had a banana and some yellow pepper slices, post run, along with the rest of my bottle of gatorade (12oz), and water (20oz). I have a meeting at 7:00, so I’m going to throw some pasta with spinach, garlic and olives together, and maybe have a little low fat cheese. Today was really light on the veggie side, compared to how I normally eat, but sometimes that’s just how it is, I guess. I’ll eat my veggies tomorrow. :)

Either way, I’ll take it. I’ll take the not feeling hungry, and the great run. I’ll take the stink of my clothes, and the ice on my ITB. I’ll take the feeling of kicking ass and taking names. I want it all. Forever.

Things are mostly back to normal, I guess. I am still hating my job, but luckily there is a new project for me to work on, so I’m not just sitting around all day, trying to look busy. I should be working on that until the end of the month, and there’s a lot to do. I’m hoping that I can just hang in there until I find something else.

Running has been okay. Not great, but okay. Last Thursday’s run was a slow 4 miles. Rob and I ran 3 on Friday, but holy hell, my legs were so dead and I felt like I was going to pass out a few times. Dianna and I talked about it and we think it’s my poor eating schedule that bites me in the ass on this. That said, I’ve been trying to graze more throughout the day, to see if it improves things. I swam yesterday and will run today, so we’ll see how it goes.

I’m starting my 10K training schedule this week, officially, so I need to be well fueled and well hydrated now. No more crappy food, or waiting 8 hours to eat (between lunch and post-run dinner).

In other, not nearly as exciting news (not that the above was exciting, but you know what I mean), I had new carpet installed in my condo yesterday. The downstairs is wood-laminate, but the stairs and 2nd floor are just too noisy to have the same treatment, so I picked out a nice, neutral carpet a few weeks ago and yesterday they came to put it in. They’re actually coming back this morning to finish the stairs.

I’m psyched. The old stuff was light blue, buckled from a poor install, and stained with every disgusting stain you can imagine. I even steam cleaned it twice and it still looked horrifyingly icky. Once I get everything moved back upstairs, I’ll post some before and after pics. Heheheh.

Let’s see, what else? Hmmm.

I went to a runners BBQ on Saturday, and it was swell. I met some great people and saw some of my running friends. There was home brew, and lots of carbs, which everyone remarked on. It was hilarious to hear everyone cracking on low-carb, saying things like “MMMMMMMM, carbs. I LOVE carbs. I want a burger with 2 buns.”

Anyway.

Look for a run report from me later on today. I feel like I’ve not been so accountable to the RBF (and more importantly, to myself), so maybe frequent posting is the way to keep me motivated? For now, I’m off to let the carpet guys into the building and finish up my daily cup of coffee. See how this running thing has effected me? ONE cup of coffee. One. Cup. That’s insanity, I tell you.

I just wrote a whole post about running, that turned into a post about how much I hate my job, and why I had another meltdown in the car on the way to work today. So I deleted it. I mean, I don’t even want to get into it, really.

Right now, I feel like crawling into my bed and never coming out.

I hate it here.
I want to quit.
I definitely want to cry.

But tonight I’ll run.