I have a lot more to say about appreciating what you have and consumerism, so I thought it best to put it in its own post, instead of adding to the already lengthy diatribe, posted just before this entry.

So here goes.

I have been spending quite a few hours considering what I have, and appreciating it. It’s so easy to lose perspective when you are littlerally surrounded by people who earn upwards of 85 – 100K, annually, with no kids. These are people who use retail as therapy, or just… I don’t know. If you ask them about their weekend and what they did, it goes something like this:

“Well, X and I went to Border’s on Friday night and I bought about 7 books. Then we went to Chili’s for dinner, then to the movies. On Saturday we got up and went to Panera for breakfast, then we drove to Costco, the mall, Home Depot, and Bed Bath & Beyond. I bought a lot of stuff that I needed for the house. Later, we got dinner at [insert non-chain, semi-fancy restaurant name here]. Sunday, I went to Best Buy and got some DVDs and a new digital camera, because mine kind of sucked. I also think I’m going to buy a new cell phone.”

Okay, so what’s wrong with this picture? Well, first of all… everything, especially because, apart from the big purchases like digital cameras and whatnot, this is literally an almost-every-weekend scenario!

Don’t get me wrong, I love to go out to dinner and go to the movies, but it seems like every young professional I know has this attitude and it is freaking me out. It seems like no one has a budget, or much in the way of savings, yet, they drive brand new cars and buy… just… STUFF, and they honestly feel as if they can’t possibly get by on less than what they earn now.

For what it’s worth, I think that the average family in Massachusetts earns around 45K, annually.

It’s all about perspective. Perspective, I’m positive, that has been lost in the boom of high tech jobs, and the sense of entitlement that has become so pervasive in the US.

I currently earn that kind of salary, and I probably save about one third of it, in a combination of 401K (no matching), Roth IRA, and cash savings. I’m not where I want to be, financially, but I do own a home, have no student loans or credit card debt, and am not living paycheck to paycheck. From that perspective, I am way ahead of the game.

Anyway, sorry to rant. It just bothers me that I’ve been sucked into this whole culture of wanting, as I call it. It’s everywhere, and sometimes I just need to remind myself that I am in a good place, and that I’m resourceful, responsible, and smart. With these things in my favor, I’m sure that if I take a giant pay cut, everything will be fine in the long run. I just don’t want to live that life, you know?

Besides, I don’t really need a new cell phone anyway. ;)

So Tuesday’s planned run turned into an hour of lying on Rob’s bed, sobbing. It was awful. All of the stress about work and the uncertainty about what will happen with work and moving, and… And. AND!!!

I know that we should have gone running, but it felt better to lay there with Rob and talk, and cry, and then talk some more.

So here’s where I’m at, mentally:
- If this non-profit job is offered to me, I am going to take it, provided the salary falls within a certain range. It would likely be half of my current (way, way overinflated) salary, but if I really make an adjustment in how I live, I can do it without selling my car or condo. :) Seriously, there are a lot of people who live on a lot less than I do, and while it may totally suck for a while, I really want to take a job that matters to me, and one where the design work will be more interesting.

- I’m not ready to move to Seattle, yet. I mean, if I didn’t get this non-profit job, and was offered something really good out there, I’d consider it, if Rob would consider it. But it’s not my first choice to up and move right now. Besides, Dianna would be pissed at me. ;)

- I’ve started reaching out to a lot of former collegues, asking them about freelance work. If I am able to bill a decent amount of freelance over the next year, the salary cut won’t be such a shock. I could live on the salary and bank the freelance. Like working on commission, in a way.

Of course, this could all change at any moment. I could not get this job. I could get a different one. I could not get any offers at all! Still, I need to get out of my current job. The money is awesome, but… I just can’t take it anymore. I have never been so miserable in a job, and when mental stress begins to manifest itself in physical ways, it is time to GO.

Anyway, Wednesday I ran 3.5, and yesterday I swam about three quarters of a mile before the swim team showed up and I had to get out of the pool. Today I’d like to run with no particular goal. Just to run and enjoy it. I know that not exercising just made me more upset, and that’s why Tuesday’s meltdown was so horrible.

Thanks to the RBF for your encouraging words about the tri/bike/computer situation. I’d love to have everything right now, but I’ll settle for what I have, which is a whole helluva lot, really.

Things are getting really stressful. I started this freelance project for my old boss, and will likely do another one after this is done. The money is great, but it leaves little time for training. Also, I’ve had to make a tough choice this week, yesterday, actually.

My home computer is an old iBook. I mean, really old. The colored, clam-shell design. It just wasn’t cutting it for freelance work, and I really needed something that I could do design projects on quickly and reliably. So… I decided to buy a new PowerBook. Here it is:

The good news: It’s awesome, fast, much bigger screen resolution.
The bad news: It was really expensive.
The worst news: I had to choose between a new computer, and my bike. So… no triathlon this year.

I’m seriously bummed, but this is part of what being an adult is all about, making choices that we sometimes don’t like. I just can’t justify the expense right now, and to be honest, with all this extra freelance work (which will pay off, literally), I’m not even sure I’d be able to really train for it.

However, if everything goes well and I get this other freelance gig, and everything falls into place, I might end up with enough money to buy the bike before the Tri. It’s all up in the air, though, and really, I am okay with that.

Okay. Enough about that stuff.

Haven’t run in over a week (swam and did some spinning & elliptical). Rob and I are going out tonight for a 3.5 – 4 miler. Should be really nice. It’s cool out and may even rain a little.

More later….

This week has been crazy. Crazy, I tell you!

Workout stuff:
Monday was supposed to be a running day. I planned to run near George’s house, and had packed all my stuff up… except for my sports bra. DOH! So I headed to the gym and did 4.25 miles on the elliptical instead. Not nearly as much bouncing on the elliptical.

Tuesday, my ITB was feelling super tight (from said elliptical), so I did some yoga, my stretches and weights.

Wednesday, I swam hard for 35:00. Ugh. Felt like puking at the end, which brought back memories of swimming in high school. Still, it was fun.

Tonight I am supposed to run with Rob. This time, I brought a bra. Let’s hope I didn’t forget anything else.

Other stuff:
I’ve been kind of down in the dumps about this whole work situation, feeling like I wasn’t stand out enough to even get interviewed for these jobs I was applying for. I asked my friend who has a background in Communications and PR if she’d help me rewrite my résumé, and we came up with some really good revisions, which buoyed my confidence. Yesterday, I had a phone interview with a non-profit, and it looks like I’ll be interviewing for that other job I want (hush, hush, you know), so all of a sudden things are looking up… at least a little.

The thing that I struggle with a lot, and am really having problems with now, is the not knowing. I mean, if I were to take a pay cut to work at a non-profit, I can deal with that. If I needed to put my condo on the market and move, I can deal with that, too. But all these maybe’s!? Ugh. They are the worst.

I suppose that if all I did was work, exercise and sleep, it would be no problem. But I am involved in a lot of things – volunteer stuff like Open Studios and the gallery space – plus, I’m doing freelance work and I have to either pass on or commit to a project the first week in August, which is the week I’m supposd to have my other interview. I’m doing all this work on my place, and I may have to finish it quickly in order to sell it. I don’t know how much time and money I should invest in upgrading/fixing some things, becuse what I do depends on whether or not I’m going to stay there for more than a few more months.

So… it’s a little overwhelming right now. And I’m kinda freaked out. And Rob is kinda freaked out, but he’s not letting on.

Anyway, that’s how things stand right now. Life is weird like that, sometimes. It’s a roller coaster.

I don’t know what happened, but this weekend just came and went… and with very little mileage to show for it.

Thursday night I swam, as planned – 2200 yards in roughly 55 minutes (i.e. SLOW), but the good news is, I had a nice, relaxing swim, really keeping my head down and pulling through my stroke, so much so that I shaved a half stroke off of my usual number per length of the pool. Sweet!

Friday I worked from home, and since working from home means lots of extra time saved by not commuting, I went to the gym for some spinning and weights. Rob went out with friends Friday night, so I used that time to pull stuff down out of the loft and closets upstairs and start stacking it in my living room in preparation for new carpet being installed soon.

What a pain in the balls that was.

Seriously, I didn’t know how much crap I had. A few weeks ago (or maybe it was last week. I don’t even remember), I took a ton of stuff to be donated. This week, I came up with 3 or 4 additional boxes of items that I felt the need to purge – books, mostly.

Anyway, Saturday came and I painted a section of my foyer this awesome split pea color. I had to do the part of the wall where the carpet wraps around the stairs, before the new carpet went in. I reckon I’d be rightly pissed if I got paint on the new carpet. Around lunchtime, Rob came over and we boxed up stuff, moved stuff, stacked stuff, hauled stuff, and dumped stuff. It was dirty, sweaty work, and I must have gone up and down the stairs 8267 times. Then we showered and went to George’s for some BBQ, and then we all went to see I, Robot.

Between the cookout and the movie, Rob and I walked over to this little ice cream place near George’s house, right where I go running. We didn’t stuff ourselves at dinner, and neither of us had eaten much all day, so we thought a little walk on a hot summer night would be fun, especially if coffee chip ice cream was involved. George tried to talk us into driving over there. It was probably three quarters of a mile away, if that. All this came after I lamented how I’d been too busy working on my house to go running or make it to the gym.

George is funny that way. I mean, it took maybe 40 minutes to walk over to the ice cream place, stand in line, get cones, and walk back. To him, that was too far, and “not worth it”, but yet he’ll walk all over downtown Boston with his girlfriend and then, of course, complain about how his feet hurt. To him, getting out and moving is some kind of… I don’t know… planned activity, I guess. Like there’s “official exercise” (playing hockey with Rob once a week), and then “recreational exercise” but only if it’s some monstrously long walk in order to eat or shop or whatever downtown. He also says I:

a) run too much
b) swim too much
c) work out too much
d) have sex with Rob too much
e) eat too much
f) sleep too much, and
g) DO too much

Well good lord! All that exercise gives me energy to do stuff, and I need to eat to fuel myself, and then doing all that makes me sleepy. He, on the other hand, doesn’t do much of anything, has poor sleeping habits and complains of being tired all the time. What kind of life is that?

I don’t know what the solution for him is, but I sure don’t want to be sitting around all the time watching television or playing video games, complaining about how tired I am. I mean, has anyone EVER, on their death bed said, “gee. I wish I had sat around doing nothing more”?

Anyway, today I was determined go run, but man, I was so, so, tired. I went to the grocery store and did some cleaning, but then I decided to read some and take a nap. It’s Sunday, after all, and sometimes you just have to take a break.

Tomorrow I’ll run. And this week I’d like to swim 2x, spin 1-2x, and run 3x.

This past week looked like this:
Monday – 3.5m Run (w/Rob)
Tuesday – 1m Swim
Wednesday – 3.1m Run
Thursday – 1.2m Swim
Friday – 10m Bike
Saturday – Moved, lifted, packed and hauled crap
Sunday – Rest

I had a nice 5K run last night at the middle school track, near George’s house. It was raining when I started out, nothing heavy, but the skies looked ominous and I didn’t really want to be caught in a storm, so running laps made more sense. Boring, but sensible.

There are two tracks over there. The one at the high school is that spongy stuff, and the middle school’s track is a packed dirt/cinder/gravel dealie, but it’s closer to the road and there are always people on it, so I figured that if I was going to run on a track, I’d like to at least have company. And boy did I need it.

My run was okay, but I am one of those people who really needs to be distracted while running, otherwise I keep thinking about how I’m tired, or I’m over-analyzing my breathing (counting breaths, instead of just breathing naturally). When I run with music, or with Rob, I’m distracted enough not to do this. On the roads it’s not bad, but on a track? Eh… not so easy.

So last night I walked a lap to warm up, then ran a slow mile, a faster mile, then a fast mile. After that I walked another lap, then stretched. I was so tired at the end, just plugging away, breathing hard. It felt good, like I was really pushing myself. I almost puked at the end. :)

A swim is scheduled for tonight (hopefully). I have to run some errands after work, including a stop at the flooring place to order carpet, but all of that shouldn’t take too long. The pool is open until 9:30, so as long as I get there by 8:00, I should have plenty of time to change, swim, shower, etc.

Still waiting for my triathlon training book to arrive from Amazon. I hate waiting…

I don’t know how it happened, but I was pulling through a stroke and I think I pinched a nerve or strained something in my arm. It didn’t hurt at the time, but today it’s sore as hell, right in the front, up near my shoulder.

Luckily today is a running day.

The swim was okay last night. I wasn’t really into it and the water was too warm to really move fast. I just felt sluggish and slow, so I swam for 30 minutes then hit the showers. This is probably the shortest swim I’ve done in… I dunno… 2 years? Usually I do 40 minutes to an hour.

Talked to Rob last night about job stuff. He is the best – just really supportive and helpful, and objective (which I am not). We are going to take everything as it comes, I guess, and try not to over-plan or over-think anything. The bottom line is that whatever decision we make about jobs and relocation will be made together. There will be no long-distance relationship.

I guess it was just nice to know that we are both in it for the long haul.

Life is full of ups and downs. I’ve known this my whole life, and yet, I’m always surprised by how quickly things change, and how things are never quite cut and dry. Everything is malleable. Your life, my life – it’s all in flux, all the time. Sometimes we have control, and sometimes we don’t, and that is OK… mostly.

What am I talking about? Well, pull up a chair and let’s sit a spell. I’ll tell you all about it.

Friday was great. Rob and I went for a really nice run (maybe 3.5 miles or so) and then had a quiet night in – dinner, some TiVo’d TV. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The weekend was odd. I’d planned to swim and bike, in addition to the massive task of purging “stuff” from my storage areas & closets. George came to pick me up in his truck and we had the back seat and entire bed FULL of things that no longer needed or wanted. We’re talking furniture, lamps, books, clothing, etc. There is still more stuff at my house (games and toys) that the Salvation Army wouldn’t take. Then I started organizing. Man… when I get started on one of my “systems” there is no stopping me. But I got a lot done, and it was physical work, which I enjoy.

Things were going well, and I was feeling good about life in Boston, knowing that I’d be changing jobs soon….

Until I talked to my old boss. If you’ll recall, the plan was to follow my old boss to his new company. Well, it appears that he doesn’t have headcount to hire me full time, but could bring me in on a contract basis, but only if my current company downsizes me or makes me go part time. Now, my current job… sucks. I hate it. I’ve hated it for some time, actually, and have been looking for work for a while, but there seems to be nothing out there for me. I’ve sent off craploads of resumes in reposnse to job postings and have had 1 interview in the last 6 months. One. Interview. Oh, and I could get laid off in a few months.

So the thing is, I didn’t even really want this new job that much, because I want to work in consumer brands, not software. But still, it would have been more security, fun at first, and the money would have been good, if it had all worked out as planned. But it is not happenning as planned, obviously.

I was upset, naturally. And I felt helpless and untalented, and like… things were happening for other people, but my career was stuck in a crappy place, and I didn’t have any control over it. I drove to Rob’s house after work and we sat and I cried and cried, just to be done with it and get it out of my system.

Then we went running, and I cheered up a lot. We had a really great run, and I felt tons better, looking at the bright side of things – that I didn’t really want this job, and that eventually I would have been unhappy anyway.

So today I dragged myself out of bed and into the job I hate, only to get an email from a friend of mine whose boss wants to set up a phone interview with me. Hurray! I’ve sent some design samples and we’ll see what happens.

See? No Control Over Anything. Ups and Downs. That’s life.

Tonight I’m swimming. Things are looking up.

As promised, I headed to the Y last night for some spinnin’ and swimmin’. I did 8.13 miles of hills (level 9) on the bike for 30:00, then hit the pool for 1250 yards in ~25:00. Not bad!

I had thought about swimming first, to actually simulate what a Tri might be like, but logistically it just seemed easier to bike, then swim. And this whole experiment was to gauge my ability to switch activities during one workout session.

A couple of thoughts:

- While I didn’t feel dead at the end, I was a little tired. Well, more than a little, but not that tired. I can’t imagine running 3+ miles afterwards though. I suppose this will come in time.

- I felt really, really wobbly coming off the bike, like my legs were made of rubber. That transition is going to be the tough one. Swim to bike shouldn’t be that bad.

- Open water swimming kind of scares me. I’ll just say it and get it out in the open.

- But even with all of this, I think I can complete this Tri. I really do. Plus, my arms are sore today (in a good way), and are starting to look awesome. When I was swimming, I was just plowing through the water. My stroke was so strong. The only reason it took me as long as it did was because I was a little winded from biking hard.

- I feel great today. I’m hopeful and confident. And I’m going for a run later with Rob. Can’t beat that.

It’s a new day (or two, from my last post) and I feel a lot better about things. Mark’s comments were so helpful, as was RTT’s perspective on both Tris and injury, AND I talked to Dianna yesterday, so now I feel as if I am ready to train without feelings of dread.

I suppose that it has always been my way to compare myself to other people in order to gauge my own progress, and as I get older I have realized that it’s just not helpful to do this most of the time. While it’s not the same as allowing such a comparison to determine your self-worth, it’s close, and while I’ve been pretty good at not-comparing in matters of my job or physical appearance, I do it constantly in the athletic realm.

This is mostly because I am really, really not good at sports. Never have been. I have no idea how to be an athlete, let me just say that, so I look to my peers for hints on how to walk the walk, you know? Luckily, I have been blessed with amazing, supportive friends, including Caito, RTT, and the Running Blog Family (RBF), so I’ll have to keep them in the forefront of my mind when I’m training because honestly, there is nothing but support and encouragement coming from these people, and that is some very powerful stuff, lemme tell you.

Wow. That was a run-on sentence of epic proportions!

So. The Tri. I had wanted to do the one in Hyannis on 9/11, but it filled up as of yesterday. There’s another Tri in Duxbury on 9/25 and I am going to sign up for that, as soon as I buy my bike (this weekend). The only issue with it is that the swim and bike are longer in the Duxbury event, but the run is just slightly shorter. Still, I think I can do it, especially since I have an additional 2 weeks to train. Here is the event information. Half mile swim, 12.5 bike, and 3.3 run.

Can I do it? Just to finish? I think I can!!!

Tonight I’m going to do a bike & swim workout at the Y. We’ll see how I do with two of the events right there, minus the variables of say, oh… riding a real bike and swimming in open water. Heheheh. But still, it will give me some kind of indication about my preparedness, if I’m not dead at the end. Somehow, I don’t think I will be… I just kind of know this, deep down.